Thursday, December 08, 2005

Roundhouse to the Groin

I was going to come up with something original today, but I got hit in the nuts at work and am not feeling very creative. So here is an email I got from my aunt. Now, if you'll excuse me, I believe a beer is calling me.


Biography of Chuck Norris

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead punched his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach messages to kittens and roundhouse kick them. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway. Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya". Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane". If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris. At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong, my friend.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it. Chuck Norris only masterbates to pictures of Chuck Norris. Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris carries a man bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact. God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a get out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green number 4 card from the game Uno.

22 Comments:

Blogger that girl possessed said...

comments to come... mike h and i are laughing to the point of tears before dinner.

mike h is on the ground in convulsions. seriously.

i have REAL tears.

4:53 PM  
Blogger notjoecheese said...

Don't let Chuck see you cry or you might get an unexpected roundhouse.

4:55 PM  
Blogger cher said...

i'm scared. i don't see chuck anywhere. i think i will write my will tonight.

5:10 PM  
Blogger Pockey said...

thats just way to much chuck info for one night!!

seriously...good post, good post

5:34 PM  
Blogger notjoecheese said...

Cher, Chuck is watching. He wants you to leave me your television.

Pockey, it is a lot of Norris. But then, he's a lot of man.

6:51 PM  
Blogger Phats said...

I was told to check your blog out, glad I did. I was laughing pretty hard myself. I love the title of the blog too!

7:29 PM  
Blogger that girl possessed said...

joey joe joe jr shabado, email me about the movie or add me to msn.

djrano@hotmail.com

8:08 PM  
Blogger Phats said...

Hey can I add you too?! haha

10:11 PM  
Blogger shipkicker said...

joe. fuck.

10:24 PM  
Blogger Mike H said...

Ok, I've caught my breath and regained consciousness enough to leave an appropriate comment.

This was the funniest thing I have read in an extremely long time. The last time I laughed this hard, was when I saw Bill Cosby live at the Vogue 2 years ago.
I thought I might die of laughter because I couldn't catch my breath.

You sir, are being added to my links list.

10:38 PM  
Blogger cher said...

hold me

3:39 PM  
Blogger that girl possessed said...

cher i would hold you but umm... i have problems with "touching". back in walnut grove they call me hands mcgee or gropey mcgroperson.

i'm sorry.

8:35 PM  
Blogger Underachiever said...

Joseph,

this is some funny shite!

Chuck Norris Rules!

but we already knew that.

undr(duck! Flying exploding baby is coming at you!)

9:21 PM  
Blogger Mike H said...

AAAUUUUGHHHH! HI-EEEYA!

Oh man, I thought I just saw Chuck Norris outside my window.

Turns out it was just another one of those pesky meth addicts. Don't worry, I roundhouse kicked it in the face and it ran off into the woods again.

Chuck Norris would have been proud of me, but Chuck Norris is only proud of himself.

12:02 AM  
Blogger SuperSpyGal said...

LMAOOOO - Everything I ever wanted to know about Chuck Norris but afraid to ask (literally, for fear of getting a roundhouse kick to the side of my melon)
Very creative !! ;)

7:41 AM  
Blogger notjoecheese said...

Phats, welcome to the suck.

Shippy, very succint. Nice.

Thanks Mike, and I love Cosby too. "Bill Cosby: Himself" is one of the funniest stand-up routines I've ever seen.

Cher and tgp, go ahead and hold each other, there's nothing but love on njc's blog.

Undr, exploding babies means there is more to share. The good Chuck always provides.

Be vigilant, Mike. Those meth-heads are just the emissaries of Chuck.

Superspygal, you were right to be afraid. Chuck doesn't like talking about himself, he prefers to just stare people down until they get the information telepathically... unfortunately they also become pregnant with Chuck's child.

11:40 AM  
Blogger cranberry said...

i want chuck norris' babies.
he is so hot and powerful, that's what makes him hot.


seriously, i put off reading this entry cuz i have been kinda busy but i have no regrets that i read it today. damn. i'm alone. the east side ghetto is rumbling with the grunts of chuck.

4:52 PM  
Blogger Gareth said...

Chuck Norris is coolio bodatious dude, no nevermind haha.

9:05 AM  
Blogger notjoecheese said...

Cran, just make sure they aren't exploding babies.

Gareth, yup, the Chuckman is all that and more.

9:45 AM  
Blogger that girl possessed said...

joey joe joe jr shabado... did i ever tell you that you're my hero, and everything i would like to be? i can fly higher than an eagle for you are the wind beneath my wings!!!!!!!

the boredom kills me.

8:52 PM  
Blogger Gareth said...

LOL TGP! Oh I could play that one for you! Look at my blog today if you are trying to work out what that meant lol.

8:58 AM  
Blogger John said...

I like this one "Chuck Norris had seven children. Four of them went on to become doctors. The other three were delicious."

6:40 AM  

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